September 10, 2019September 10, 2019 FOGA

Depression & Me

Lifestyle

Hello FOGA Readers!

Today’s post is going to be a little different. I wrote this mostly stream of consciousness with slight editing for it to make sense. I did not do lot of proofreading.

I’ve mentioned in the past that I have depression. I even promised an update on it. Welcome to that update. It has taken me a while to get here. I have started writing this at least ten times but never made it through.

Things have been an up and downhill battle for me over the few months. Some days are fantastic, and other days it’s all I can do to get out of bed and make it to work on time.

How This “Started”

Saying I have depression is fairly new to me. For the longest time, I thought I was in a rut. When I left the toxic employer, I knew I was depressed. That was due to the job and it was awful. Once I left, things got better and the word depression ceased to have anything to do with me. Or so I thought. Granted, I wasn’t happy. On my best days, I would say I was 60-70% happy. I thought this was normal. Imagine my shock when Mr. FOGA said he was 90-100% happy when he was home. I thought he was the bizarre one. lol *sigh*

Then May happened. Even now, I don’t know what triggered it. Thinking back, it doesn’t even make sense. We had just gotten back from vacation. I was happy and well-rested. Aside from some issues at work, I had no complaints. I went back to work and within two days I went from rested to it taking all of my energy to not cry at random times of the day. My partners at work gave me space and kept checking on me. People I had never met asked me if I was okay. I had no clue was wrong. Until I had a conversation with a close friend, the idea that I was depressed never occurred to me. After that, it was all I thought about.

My first thoughts were that I’m not allowed to be depressed. That’s crazy. I make six-figures a year, have an awesome husband, and my family & friends are amazing. Of course, all of this is completely irrational. Robin Williams was easily one of the happiest and brightest spots on this planet, and he had severe depression.

What I Learned

After months of meeting with my therapist every two weeks, I learned somethings about myself.

Me & Life

I am a perfectionist (even if my poorly edited blog posts don’t show it 😉 ). Finding out that I have a mood disorder did not help that at all. I push myself harder than most. I was raised by a single mom, and I am an only child. Whether I noticed it or not, the pressure to excel at everything has always been there.

I couldn’t afford to be average when you watch someone struggle to be able to give you the life you have. I couldn’t just get Bs because I needed As. Then, I needed scholarships for college. Then I needed a job that paid well enough for me to move out and not be a burden. Next, I needed to solve my finances and become debt-free since that was such a big issue growing up. Then, finally, the house. That was the big lifetime goal. Once I got there, everything would be fine.

But, I’m there, and it’s not. I’ve spent so much time climbing to the next thing, I don’t know how to be still. The main thing in my life that had caused me to be successful has also caused me to be miserable.

Me & Money

My relationship with money is unhealthy in a couple of ways.

Financial Independence

First, is financial independence. It’s an amazing thing that everyone should strive for. Freedom to do what you want when you want and how you want. It’s a big deal. For me, it was a little different. Back in 2017, I left my toxic work environment. During that hell, the threatened my livelihood, my family’s financial security, and our future home (which we were under contract for). To say I didn’t take that well, would be the understatement of the millennium. However, I grossly overcompensated.

Part of my goal of reaching FI was the make sure that would never happen again. That we would never be that vulnerable again. But it soon turned into a micromanaging of every dollar to get this far away goal. The sad and simple fact is, there will never be enough money to be completely safe. That in and of itself is terrifying to me, but it doesn’t change the fact. I started to realize this when I asked how much was enough for an emergency fund. I thought, once I had the e-fund fully funded, I would feel better and safer. Well, that was a load of crock and my therapist & Mr. FOGA called me out on it pretty quick.

Heaven forbid one of us gets ill or hurt and a lot, if not all, of this goes right out the window. I can’t predict the future and I can’t keep making me and others miserable preparing for this horrible situation that may never happen. This is taking a lot of time and patience, but it has been getting easier.

Self-Care or Lack Thereof

Second, I have a hard time spending money on myself. I don’t mean with essentials (although I am bad at that as well). I mean spending on things that I enjoy. This is to a crazy amount.

For instance, last month Mr. FOGA and I went grocery shopping. As you do so you don’t starve. He picked up a pack of Oreos since they had a new flavor he wanted to try, and I flipped. He thought I was overreacting. I was. Because he got the Oreos, I opted not to get soda I wanted since the cost of the trip was higher than I wanted. In my mind, he got what he wanted and I suffered for it.

This ended came up with my therapist and she made me really look into this whole situation. The $3.50 for the Oreos was insignificant, but she had me look into my putting off buying things for myself and the various excuses. A soda there, a trip to Island’s of Adventure to finally see Harry Potter world there. Massages that actually helped with my migraines and overall health. Parasailing while on a cruise. Hell, I talked myself out of one of the best pina coladas at a rum factory in the Bahamas because I didn’t want to spend the $8. It’s completely asinine when I think about it now.

I am able to spend money on vacations (they are big and fun) but crippled by the idea of spending money to enjoy life at home. Goes back to the whole not knowing how to live in the now. It’s not healthy in the slightest and part of why I burnout so much waiting on the next vacation.

Since realizing this, I’ve active challenged myself to turn this around with both big and small things. That meant getting my massage membership back despite the cost ($60 a month, but I paid it upfront so I could get 13 massages for the price of 12). It also meant that when I saw that Snapple had a new flavor today, I put it in the grocery cart without much hesitation. It seems a little weird to be proud of myself for spending $6.99 on tea, but that’s improvement for you.

Managing Depression

One big moment for me was when my therapist asked me when the last time I felt really truly happy was. I couldn’t remember. I know there was a time that I was, but I couldn’t remember what it felt like. It’s like it’s behind a fog.

She asked me to note any little time I felt postive emotion after that. During that process, I learned I do have good moments. I just fixate on the bad ones much more. I think most people do, but I spiral in them. Now, at least once a week, I note what happened that was good. It’s helped a lot.

Since then, things have improved. I have had much better days. I even had a couple of days where I could say that I hit 90% of being happy. The first time it happened Mr. FOGA was shocked. He and a few others made sure to point it out. I was having a blast. That was over a month ago now, and I am happy to say that not only do I remember what it felt like, but I’ve had more days like that since.

I am still managing. By no means am I “cured”, and I am not sure I ever will or could be, but I am in a better place.

In Summation

So, that was my update on what’s going on with me and depression.

Like, I said, this was a hard one to write. I’ve been putting it off for a few weeks now, but it was finally time. I am a little nervous about sending this one into the world, but I needed to write it. If for no other reason than this is a personal blog and if you are reading this and watching our journey, it only makes sense to share how it’s coming from all angles.

I’ve had a lot of inspiration lately. 76K project has been open about her toxic job, career break, and beyond. Rose Colored Water wrote candidly about her experiences in nursing school. Our Table for Two wrote about her feelings towards her student loans. These women are amazing and a huge help to me whether they knew it or not.

I hope this update was helpful and know that if you are struggling with depression, please know you don’t have to do it alone. I certainly haven’t and I’m more than happy to be there for you the way others have been for me. 🙂

Until next time,

Ms. FOGA/G