Ch-ch-ch-ch-changes
That’s right people! Changes are here. Not for the blog or anything, but for our household. Mr. FOGA has quit his job. He had a manager who was a toxic mess and he left that behind. That’s a change and is awesome, but that that is not the change I am referring to. He is going to be a stay-at-home husband. A househusband, if you will.
We’ve actually been talking about this being a possibility on and off for months. Once his job became more and more unbearable and mine got busier, it just made the most sense in the long run. You see, I make more than my husband makes. I always have. Plus, with the way the market is, that has grown to me making over five times what he makes (normally it would be 3-4 times). I’m in the 30%!!!
But, I also can barely get anything done around the house due to my work schedule. His schedule was even more chaotic than mine (and that’s impressive given I’m in real estate) and while the pay was helpful, it wasn’t impacting our quality of life. And once his job got worse and worse, I really couldn’t see the point anymore. It came down to the simple question: If we can afford for him to stay home AND he’s happier with this AND it helps me tremendously as well then why the fuck aren’t we doing that?
Now, I know what some of you are thinking:
-He’s going to stay home and you’re going to work?
-How does that look to other people?
-What if he cheats? (Multiple people have mentioned this one. Guess I cannot blame them given the data, but still.)
Well, do remember that lovely talk we had about gender roles a couple weeks ago? Yeah. So, fuck what other people think. I truly do not care. Also, if I were concerned about my husband cheating on me, we would not be married. You either trust the person you married or you don’t. And if you don’t, WHY ARE YOU MARRIED?
Now, I did take to Twitter when we were pretty close to making the decision on this. I figured that if there was one place I could go where people would delight in finding a negative aspect to this scenario, that place would be Twitter. So I asked my “hypothetical” question:
To my surprise the overall reply was, “That woulds be awesome!” Lots of people were all on board. I got very little negative feedback, and I was looking for it. I guess I have a cool twitter following or the other people were asleep. Who’s to say? Actually, I am. Yay for my cool twitter following. 🥳
Plus, the if it doesn’t work out, he can always go back to work. Oh no. How awful… See, there’s no losing in this scenario.
So with no screaming negatives in mind, we said fuck it. He told his coworkers he was retiring (can you believe he “beat” me???). They even got him a cake. 😂 His last day was at the end of last week, and he starts his official househusband duties on the 1st. And I never have to do laundry again. 😍
What changes are going on with your family?
Producer: Mr. FOGA (per his request)
We kind of backed into this arrangement as I pulled the plug on work a few months early and then Mrs. Done by Forty, after some introspection, found she wanted to keep working even as we hit our FI number. It’s been an overwhelmingly positive situation for us, but as with anything, there are good days and bad days. I get to spend way more time with the kids than I did before, she gets to continue working in the field she earned her PhD in.
I think I struggle with some of the pointier, if well-meaning, comments on twitter on this situation. For example, we are undeniably financially independent and I consider myself retired since neither of us needs to work for money. But I’ll see folks in my circle note that this situation is the husband being a stay-at-home dad and very clearly NOT retired: the husband is just living on the wife’s income.
While I get that standpoint, if the roles were reversed…if Mrs. Done by Forty was the one deciding to retire, was financially independent, and some rando told her she wasn’t retired but a stay at home mom living off my income, I’d want to punch that fucker.
Anyway, I have thoughts and feels here. Mainly, as with all things personal finance, there might be people who don’t know a whole lot about your situation who feel comfortable airing their opinions on it. That’s probably the one thing I wasn’t fully prepared for.
Sorry for the long comment! Congrats on the change!
I totally get it. I’ve been checking in on your blog about retirement. It definitely sounds like it’s awesome for you guys. You are right though. People will be sharing their opinions whether I want them to or not. For the most part, I could care less. I know the big one will be coming soon though (his mother) so that’ll be fun. In my more dark moments, I know it will get to me. One person has already implied that I am just working to support a man which, as a black woman, hits different (I did restrain from punching so that’s good). But I know it’s going to be a better situation for us overall. Fuck everyone else. Still, maybe check in on me in a few months. 😅
Thanks for reading! 🙂
100%, the worst comments come from family (and her side). It’s never, “How is retirement going?” but, “How is it going being unemployed?” or “Without work”?
Part of it is that in our patriarchy, we as a society don’t know what to do with a man who is not working. And I’m sure with being a black woman, we have even less of an idea of what to do with that situation.
I think you’re on the right track with the attitude of fuck everyone else if they can’t be supportive. I’ve never been good at adopting that, but maybe I can learn.
I know his mother is going to be a thing. Thankfully his dad and my mom are both super supportive.
The “fuck everyone” mindset takes a minute, but you get there. Had to learn to adapt it quickly, especially after we committed to not having kids. I have at least learned to not feel bad when people show their nonsense around me. Now, it’s more anger at them versus feeling bad that I am not measuring up to their dumbass ideal. There’s no “right way” to live life and if we’re happy then fuck ’em.
Not that you need it, but here is another bit of support from a family in a similar situation: no kids and a househusband. My DH retired in 2018 because he hated working at a job. In his case it was partly medical and mental health related, but what made it possible was that I am the higher earner.
His labor – which I thank him for at least daily, just as he thanks me for going in to my job – saves us incredible amounts of money. Our philosophy is that I being home the money and he keeps it here.
However, one issue I thought I’d raise since no one else did is that for us (not for everyone and hopefully not for you) is that DH has become very isolated. The combination of his physical issues, mental health issues, and general attitude meant that he hasn’t made friends that he can do things with. Or will do things with, more to the point.
So though it was definitely a good step for us overall – and especially financially – this was a problem that I didn’t see this coming. Hopefully not an issue for you, just something to be aware of.
Thanks for the heads up on that. I have been trying to think of any and all problems that can come from it. So far, it sounds like he is about to be more social than I have ever seen him. He’s hanging out with friends and everything, which is weird to see since he is a big introvert.
Thanks for reading. 🙂
Love it! That’s so exciting! Yay on defying gender roles!! My dad was the stay-at-home parent, in an age when that wasn’t a thing, so I’ve always had a soft spot for that particular role switch. Also, it says awesome things about your relationship that you can have this conversation and move forward because it makes sense for YOU, period. Well done!
Your dad sounds awesome. 🙂 And thanks! Yeah, gender roles never really had a place in my household. Raised by a single mom who did everything and married a guy that is happier cooking dinner than anything else.
Thanks for reading.
Congratulations on your success! Seriously though, it is your success at work and the strength of your relationship that makes this possible. A stay-at-home spouse can do so much that people pay for outside the household (laundry, cooking, cleaning, home maintenance, an emotional sounding board) but the patriarchy makes it hard for all of us to see the value in that work. Like you said, if you can afford it, why not do it?
I’m struggling to get myself into this space, trying to justify (to myself) that if I’m not contributing financially anymore, am I providing sufficient work in exchange? Our income gap isn’t a wide as yours but after being the higher earning spouse for 15 years, I’ve been eclipsed by my spouse’s new job over the last five years and they now bring in double my income – even though my income increased by more than 25% in the same time.
To make myself feel better I’m making steps to switch to something part time (like 2 days a week) as a trial. I know there is so much work around the house, that currently just doesn’t get done, that I could be doing if I weren’t working all the time.
I’m looking forward to seeing how things unfold and hopefully your life will be that much better with no more laundry to do 🙂
Thank you! 🙂 So far so good. I didn’t do laundry this week. 😁
That’s a good way to do it I think. If this doesn’t work out for whatever reason (doubtful now, but we shall see), part-time is the next thing we would try. I think it’ll be great though.
Thanks for reading.
AWESOME! It didn’t occur to me to ask why you were asking but fuck YES that’s a great choice!
My uncle was a SAHP and I have always credited that for a large part of why his kids were able to do so well growing up. They always had a parent home to help them with homework and take them to and from and protect them and I think it was so much better than the situation we had with both parents working and us kids were all over the place. Obviously the kids aren’t a factor for you here but that always influenced my thinking about the idea of having a househusband growing up and I definitely wanted
I get what you mean by the racial dynamic. There’s an element of that in our family culture too where so often the woman is supporting the household because the man is a sucktastic deadbeat (looking at a few uncles) but *we* know that you know your situation and what’s best for your family and this isn’t that. Yay for your decision, may you be super happy never doing laundry again!
*oops, I forgot to finish my sentence: “I definitely wanted my spouse to be the stay at home spouse while I worked back when I was a workaholic. NOW I don’t have that particular draw anymore but I’d be fine with it if we had the opportunity.”
It definitely works better here. I have always been the one needing to “succeed” in the outside world and he is the best support ever. This just maximizes what we are good at. 🙂
lol. I tried to be fairly discreet when I asked and avoided any and all pronouns cause I didn’t want anyone to assume. Actively fishing for bad takes and negative comments. Of course, this is the only time I did not get any. 🤣
Your uncle sounds awesome and I can imagine that helped immensely. No kids here, but already helping my mental health tremendously. So far my mom and his dad are completely cool. His mother is thinking he is making a horrible mistake, but that’s par the course for her.
Thanks for reading. 🙂
Congrats! You guys are going to be just fine. Ignore what the world says about “traditional” gender roles. Just do you and block out all the useless noise.
The only advice I can offer (as a 5-year house husband) is to make sure you both take the time to value and appreciate each other’s work.
Thank you for that advice. That is definitely incredibly important. 🙂
Thanks for reading.
I guess as an engineer the logic persuades me. It just makes sense for the higher earner to focus on earning. We did that, I made 5 or more times what my wife did so it made sense to her to be a stay at home parent to our three kids. Of course it takes way more courage to do it your way, since there is all that historical inertia to overcome, but you sound like just the tough nut to push right through. And relationships fail when either partner feels less than. That’s complicated but it shouldn’t be based on a paycheck. You guys sound like winners to me.
Thank you! I think it’ll go well for us. Plus, if we don’t like it, he can go back to work. That is incredibly doubtful though. 🙂
Thanks for reading.